On most days, I don’t think much about how life-altering my spine condition was and continues to be – it’s just a fact of life. I do as much as I can within my control and the rest I accept or attempt to influence. Waking up today, after dreaming of talking to one of my more dismissive doctors to schedule a time to meet, to serious body pains made me realize ‘this is my life now.’
I don’t know how I’ll be able to return to 40-hour workweeks.
On days like yesterday, I didn’t do much crazy movement to deserve waking up today to so much pain, where I could either be judged for taking pain management medicine or judged for doing what I did – go to sleep, having been unproductive, midday – but this is probably what I’m going to have to expect for the rest of my life. Had I needed to do something like work or fulfilling a scheduled event, I would have pushed through, but it would have been rough. At most, I think the days where I wake up in good condition will be more numerous than the days where I wake up in bad condition, but my body is fully controlling the rest of my life.
I’m doing as much as I can to fight back against that.
The pains of this fully affected my psychology this past week having to argue with someone over something and ending that conversation realizing that I’m just some dumb fool that can barely even walk. I have to use mobility aids to get anywhere. I am not living a good life, and having that argument just put that into sharper contrast – my life is only as positive as I can put my mindset into. Many areas of life are closed off to me now, and possibly forever, and they continue being closed off to me. Sure, there are positives, but having that argument and ruminating on it far longer than necessary set me off into this pattern of negative thinking.
I try focusing on the positives but they don’t feel realistic at the moment.
I think about all the people that have lived hard lives, that have both been written about and not, and I realize that I’m not alone in thinking this way. If I focus on the positives, I am making more progress with my chiropractic efforts than I did before, so that’s good. There might even be hope for me to pass as non-disabled when I need to, but, that’s just it. I’ll probably always be disabled from now on. I’ll never have the ability to, say, walk across town as I had years ago. I remember one early Friday afternoon, I walked from the northern part of the city to the southern part of the city over about a one-hour walk, meandering through parts I’d never seen before, in soaking in the city. I’ll never be able to do that casually again.
Would I want to casually walk across the city or do many things like that again?
It might be nice to not have to worry about picking up something off the ground, but I’ve been dealing with this for long enough that I have a trick or two for picking most objects off the ground. I’d been trying to use a back brace, as lent by my chiropractor, and to some degree, it seems like a nice addition to my mobility arsenal, but I tightened it too much yesterday and that might have caused my left side to hurt so much this morning. I was also feeling exhausted yesterday, too, after the appointment. All those factors could have led to me to feeling fatigued and hurting today.
There’s no way for me to predict this reliably going forward.
You might be able to predict that tomorrow morning you’ll feel well enough to tackle your next scheduled event, whether it’s work or something else, whereas I can’t. There isn’t a whole lot more I can do to change my physical condition. I’m doing as much as I can without hurting myself more, and even that seems like it’s not enough, but when my body hurts it subtracts days or months of progress. At least I know how it’s like to be subjectively abandoned by the American Healthcare System, a system of doctors that have proven to be apathetic toward me in my worst condition, so I can manage to limp my way through days like today.
I’m tired so that’s the end of the essay before I get too negative.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: Ran out of energy today.|
|Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2021 May 20 [11:11pm to 11:29pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 May 20 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|