[Tripping On…] Sleeping Throughout Day

I’m not sure how long this essay will be today because I feel so exhausted and have felt so much so that I slept most of the day. I have a headache that indicates to me that I’ve been pushing myself too hard today, and much of that was just being awake. I should have gone back to bed to try to write. Why not write this essay as I can then go to bed?

The major problem is that I have a headache that won’t go away.

I have some healthcare-related things I need to work through. I don’t feel well enough both now and overall to want to tackle them. I have several voicemails waiting for me to wade through them. I’m sure some of those voicemailers are people that could have sent me emails instead or are calling about bullshit related to the American Healthcare System. My headache is raging, too, so I can barely focus, but at least I’m awake enough to write compared to a few hours ago where I was barely awake.

I am still having trouble focusing.

What’s the point of an essay like this? I’ve basically wasted 200+ words, haven’t I? Well, this is the thing about writing daily. Sometimes, you don’t feel well enough to write much of substantial value, but you still have to write anyways. Maybe there are days where you’re sick or otherwise can’t write much or write well. Those days, these days, are the ones where I’ve learned I just have to focus on writing and try to make it worthwhile to readers in the future. When you focus on writing as a discipline or exercise, and you do it daily, there’s a point where your mind snaps into the right place to write, even if the rest of the body is misbehaving. So in this mindset, practiced over many years, I can bypass the pains of my body to get closer to where my mind can actually write at length about what it needs to write about.

I hate these days where my meat puppet body is incapable.

I think many people have capable meat puppet bodies but have minds that are spoiled. That is why I don’t believe in writer’s block. I danced around it for hours to address other potential points during a recent talk, but basically, if I can write on a day like to day – maybe not write superbly, maybe not write The Best Words Ever – then you can write, if you need to write. I think most people pretend to want to write rather than actually want to write. Let’s say that you’ve found yourself in an emergency situation, say, being flung into a swimming pool. If you know how to swim, you’ll swim your way to a side to get out. If you don’t, you’ll probably figure it out. I don’t like the “sink or swim” mentality when it comes to training, but in terms of writing, it’s important because you have to say to yourself “I need to do this writing, no matter what.”

There, 500+ words and we’re not stopping yet.

My body is physically disabled yet I deal with people in the American Healthcare System that are mentally and physically abusive. Mentally in terms of doing things that are manipulative and straight-up lies. Physically in that doctors will go through their processes of hurting you as part of their assessments then leave feeling confused when your health decreases – because, well, wait, I hurt you and your body didn’t bounce back? Well, that’s your problem, and here’s my bill later. Situations like this challenge my fundamental beliefs of what is involved with considering people – especially at a person’s word. These essays, Tripping On…, might not have shown it, but it’s been there: I trust people much less now compared to two years ago.

After many doctors betray my trust, how can I trust most people?

There are good and decent people out there, so I can still trust them, but I think of trust now on more of a numbers scale. So let’s say that 0% trust is that you can’t believe a person at all. 100% is you can trust that person’s word 100% of the time. Most people tend to meet people and assume the person is about 80% to 100% trustworthy. Those most people will have discriminatory biases that knock numbers down. This creates awkward situations where a person won’t trust one person but will and the only difference is a discriminatory trait? For me, I give people a flat 50% trust across the board, and I let a person’s action raise or lower that percentage. 50% is enough to where I don’t get invested in a person’s actions, but I can still reasonably assume that if the person says something that it will either happen or not.

Healthcare forced me into this by meeting so many lying doctors and nurses.

I don’t think having developed this thick skin is a good thing. My life isn’t happier because I distrust people more often. It’s more miserable, actually, because I know that when I meet people and we become friends and then that person betrays my trust, it’s because I didn’t attune my trust meters enough. At least when I was gullible, someone taking advantage of me was their fault, but now I have the critical thinking to analyze a person’s thought patterns, so now it’s my fault if I see how people act and I fail to act on it. I suppose it’s better not to mourn over the actions of others. If they choose to be rude to me, they aren’t suddenly going to stop being rude to me, unless the person takes steps toward emotional intelligence and growth. That person’s problem is not my problem and not my responsibility. Instead, I will see the behavior, note it, deal with the consequences, and move on. Nothing more for me to worry about.

Except for going to bed, resting, and hopefully feeling better tomorrow.[]

Endtable
Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences.
Inspirations: Writing about what’s in my mind through my body’s pains.
Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.
Picture: Template
Written On: 2021 August 15 [11:09pm to 11:32pm]
Last Edited: 2021 August 15 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]

 

My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.