Until today, I haven’t had the energy to even consider going out to the store to be a good capitalist purchasing agent for groceries or inexpensive collectibles. I’ve been wanting to go for the past six days, but six days ago, when I woke up, ready to try to leave, my core muscles just screamed “NO!” Only today have they calmed down enough to where I haven’t been in constant agony. Maybe I’ll go tomorrow?
It’s doubtful, since I have no incentive to really go anywhere.
When I first became sober, there was an incentive to get out of my headspace because that headspace was so negative and self-hating, but this headspace is fine. I’m on my side here. I want to get better. I’m patient with my lack of abilities to do much more than I think I can. If I can’t go down to throw away some garbage, or if I can’t bathe, then I don’t get myself down. I try to think about what I can do. Can I try to eat some food? If I’m not hungry, is there anything that I can do? Am I thirsty? Am I tired?
I’m not chasing after a weight loss goal of any sort.
I am chasing after trying to stay awake for another few more hours. I’ve been up for a few hours now and I’m finding myself rather exhausted already, but this is the most awake and the most lively I’ve been in days. I know it’s not helpful for my health to be as sedentary as I’ve been, but considering over the past near-week, I’ve been feeling increasingly weak and sick, there’s not much else I can do but just push through to the best of my ability. If I don’t feel like writing, do I feel like watching something? Do I feel like playing a videogame? Do I feel like talking to someone? If I don’t feel like doing any of these, am I well-hydrated? Have I eaten?
I have to keep my strength up because I’m not confident the doctors will help me.
What I would do, then, early into my sobriety, is go to grocery stores that also had toy aisles and look around for toys that would interest me. I collected a wide variety of toy series, most of which I would sell or donate now, but they gave me some pleasure looking at or owning, because they were these more pure objects than what I had in my mind. They – like this MegaConstrux Donatello I bought – is just a nice object to have around. I have many more objects like this in storage, some that I should want to retrieve either to sell, donate, or even, oddly enough, to display like this.
For me, what it represents is just a simple pleasure.
Whether it’s the simple pleasure of having gone to a grocery store to pick out the toy in my own silent peace, whether it is rekindling a passion I want to carry with only a select few key toys or toylines, or whether it’s just having something dumb because I want something dumb, I don’t think life should be all about optimizing everything.
Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t play ENDLESS WAR in that same way.
To play ENDLESS WAR most efficiently, you have to acquire the most amount of slime possible, whereas I do silly things like buy stupid things or just randomly throw large quantities of condensed slime – slime poudrins – at people. When I do that, they think they’re being attacked, so it’s a funny prank, and they get something positive for that prank. It’s an amusing way to say hello, and especially in such a high-strung game, where most days, I don’t have the energy to play competitively, I think it’s kind of a funny thing to do with some extra things I acquire when the dice goes my way.
Some of the items I have in ENDLESS WAR help me navigate the world faster.
But then I wasted a bunch of slime to acquire some My Little Pony figurines because, well, why not? Having something so silly has no practical application in-game, except for the occasional amusement, but as I did the research here to figure out what amounts I had of each, I realized, well, shit, I’m missing one of the six I had a few weeks ago. To acquire all six, I had to buy many duplicates, as one does sometimes when they need to acquire randomly-purchased sets.
And so, in this way, videogames can teach me the practicality of minimalism, too.
I have the flavor text and most of the value of these items, so just as, eventually, I’ll put away this Donatello in favor of another smaller figurine, and I have space between the two stacks of bricks for a larger figure, I’ll eventually trade out these toys and maybe trade them away. I am not interested, anymore, in having large collections of things. I don’t have the energy for them. I might have the energy to, say, go to a store and look at a bountiful set of items to decide if I want one or another, but I don’t have the energy to visit multiple stores to see if they might have a specific item.
Once the thrill of the acquisition is gone, I suppose it’s onto the next hunt.
It might be nice to go out to some grocery stores, or at least go outside – probably tomorrow – to throw out that trash, maybe get some groceries, but similarly to the capitalist drives that once compelled me to go spend money, now that I’m content with my lifestyle, myself, my property, and what I own, I can use what I own as leverage to acquire different items I might rather own for trades. If not, then I can give them away to people or organizations that might use them more than me.
Nothing soft in that.
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: I was thinking about how today was the first day where I felt like going to the grocery store since my Propranolol text message came in on Sunday for a refill. I have enough on hand to where I don’t need to worry about getting any just yet, so I haven’t been worried about going yet, but it’d be nice to go, I guess. As far as the “seizing the means of production” bit, well, I’ve been learning the basics of capitalism, I suppose, and they relate somewhat with my downsizing mentality, although I’d rather wait until my health improves before I’d dig in deeper into studying this topic or selling stuff, or whatever. And sorry for the slight bit of a clickbait title. My core does feel soft, so, softcore does match, and I was feeling a little playful since my health was in good shape, so, hey, that was a good thing, right?|
|Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters. Other Downsizing Zeal essays.|
|Picture: Sober template.|
|Written On: 2020 June 26 [4:50pm to 5:24pm]|
|Last Edited: 2020 June 26 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|