[Tripping On…] Understanding The Stipulations

And now I must wait for the two or so weeks before I get an expert opinion to decide how my case will go. I received a generic message going over all of the information just now. It’s all fairly straightforward, so instead, I’ll paste in my response below and write about my feelings, because it’s been tough these past few days, especially. I’ve lost a lot of strength. I have no appetite. Motivation: decreasing…

Here was the message in full, redacting name as needed.

Hi,

I understand the stipulations. These questions are good.

While we wait the two or so weeks for the expert opinion, how can I receive any relief from my current situation?

I personally feel that my primary care physician, Dr. —, has declined to help any further as he transferred the case to Dr. —, who also declined to help any further. I am in a difficult situation now where I cannot even go to the grocery store or walk for more than a few minutes at even a casual pace without being in massive pain, I have no appetite, as mentioned earlier I have lost 30 pounds since this health issue has started, and my overall health is degrading rapidly.

If there is anything that can be done, please, let me know.

I feel like it’s been a constant struggle and I have been constantly invalidated throughout this entire process, up until talking to Dr. —. This entire process has been more pain than necessary. I know it’s probably easier to just ignore what I’m saying with generic statements, but please, if there’s anything that can be done, please, let me know.

I feel sicker and weaker by the week and so if there’s anything that can be done, please, consider me and do what you can. I am not sure if there’s anything that can be done, or if I just sit and wait around until mercy is given to me, but I feel like I’ve been terribly maligned over the past three months and it would be nice to get some relief.

Thank you for reading and considering me,
[me]

I’m writing this now as I await a response.

I fully doubt that anything will happen because that’s the nature of situations like this. The American Healthcare System is not a caring one. I have a survey to my left from my ER visit from when that second doctor declined to help me any further and told me to go to the ER. They treated me poorly at the ER. They had access to my X-rays and could easily see that my spine was in poor shape, but they simply gave me some medications, prescribed me Ativan, then sent me home.

It’s hard to continue fighting each day when this is what I’m fighting against.

I have enough trouble getting out of bed or eating. I ate perhaps a bit too much last night – a full meal – and felt nauseous for hours. I haven’t eaten much of anything today. Sure, I must be mad and cranky, but I’ve had doctors left and right fail me, and even this “expert second opinion” bullshit process I’m going through now just entitles me to wait around as my health declines even further.

I’ve been feeling sick the past few days.

Nothing major. I did a whole COVID-19 test and the results were negative, but I feel weaker. It’s like when you exercise and have a particularly exhausting set, where you’re just wiped out for a few hours after. I should be eating more but I barely have the energy to prepare anything. The only energy I have is sitting here and doing some inconsequential art.

I can’t really focus for too long on too much else, I guess.

I don’t believe that I’ll be getting the help I need. I don’t have confidence in the American Healthcare System anymore. I’m doing what I can to survive, but I’m quickly losing confidence that things will “be OK” and I’m even doubting if I’ll ever feel better again. I suppose that I just need to keep fighting for as long as I can, even if it’s getting harder by the week.

I’m writing this now to capture this emotion I’m in.

It’s all part of that sick, sadistic joke my primary care physician did prescribing me Prozac in the last thirty seconds of one of our calls as an off-hand thought. I’m not depressed because the chemicals in my body are misfiring in certain ways. I’m depressed because I am literally being oppressed by the healthcare system that I am paying into – “in the greatest country in the world.”

I feel much too tired to fight for myself.

When I look at parts of my body, I look like a skeleton, and when I consider how difficult it is for me to do even basic tasks, I wonder, will I ever be able to get out there and enjoy life outside again? As much as I like staying in to write, I also like getting out there to experience life. I accept wearing a mask as part of that. I’ll do whatever I can. But if I’m going to sit around and wait for someone to take mercy on me, when I haven’t even particularly sinned, then I don’t know what to do.

What kind of evil have I done to deserve this treatment?

I don’t particularly believe in much of anything. Nothing has called out to me, so perhaps I am damned because of that. Maybe I was cursed in another lifetime, or maybe my life’s luck has begun to run out? My message was a plead to the infinite unknowing, unconcerned to show any degree of mercy that they could. I don’t know if they will. I strongly doubt it.

I get weaker by the week.

There’s not much more fight left in me, but I’ll keep at it.

If there’s still a chance at recovery, keep going, right?

Endtable
Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences.
Inspirations: I just wanted to capture this message I sent. Maybe my having sent it will help. Probably not. I’ve given up hope by now and just await my judgment. Whatever sin or crime I have done against the universe that has been so heinous for me to continue to go through what I’m going through is unknown to me, but it was probably something like publishing a typo last week.
Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.
Picture: Template
Written On: 2020 July 27 [3:10pm to 3:333333333pm]
Last Edited: 2020 July 27 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.