[Tripping On…] Waiting For Approvals

If you consider the pain of dealing with your health condition, consider having about twice the tolerance dealing with your insurance. These people are making it twice as difficult as it needs to be for me. I suppose at least I am making progress, but it is not through their help or guidance at all. If it were up to them, I would be waiting around for months. My spine might not have that long…

I received this message from them:

I hope you were able to connect with Dr. —. While yes you are required to have this opinion completed for — to consider your authorization it does not mean that you cannot proceed with a plan for surgery and potentially even schedule it. We have started collecting your records and typically this process takes 2-3 weeks (but [we] will be sure to keep you updated on the timeline) and then [we] will need a week to review the case. We are very conscientious of patients in situations like yours that are suffering from pain and those that are scheduled for surgery. Please communicate what you need to to your surgeon to finalize a plan. I am sorry you have hit this roadblock but we will do everything we can do to complete in a timely manner for you to move forward. Please let me know what you hear from Dr. —.

I replied with this:

[I did connect with the doctor’s office.] Dr. —‘s primary concern when we met earlier this month was that if my condition worsened, which we will discuss on Thursday, it is possible that a nerve ending could sever to my left leg. This could lead to my permanent disability. Rather than just the long-term disability I am on currently. I worry that waiting the month-plus for [insurance] to fully process my case is gambling with my health, but I understand that this is the nature of the American Healthcare System, so I will be patient.

I have a day and some change to wait for the appointment with the doctor.

I’ve been trying my best to take care of my health, but things are slipping out of my control. I feel weaker by the week, sicker by the day, but in minor things. I ate some food today. Nothing too much but I didn’t feel nauseous after, so that was nice. Two days ago, I think, I ate a can of chili and found myself needing to take anti-nausea medication to calm my stomach. I know I need to eat more, but I’ve been in such a massive amount of pain throughout the past few weeks that now I can barely even concentrate.

I am trying to eat smaller meals more frequently to build back up my strength.

It’s still tough, though, so I don’t know how things will progress. I feel like I am being victimized by these insurance companies. I hope that by me telling them directly my doctor’s concern that they might get their heads out of their asses and figure something else out because if it takes them a month to give a thumbs up on something, and say that nerve does sever or even causes some impairment, then that’s on them. Right? Or probably through some terrible crime of the American Justice System, I am at fault for being born in America, and working my hardest to get a good-paying job, in earnest, with benefits, only to then require them.

Imagine my hubris.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the past week. What happens if I were to become disabled? I’ve already planned on selling most of my property. It would just be more difficult to do so. More difficult than now. It wouldn’t be impossible. I live in an apartment that has a flight of stairs with no elevator, which is part of why I haven’t driven anywhere lately, along with this pain and fatigue, so I would need to move. I am not beholden to this expensive apartment. Downsizing, selling, moving… I don’t feel like these are within my grasp anymore. I feel like I’m screaming into a void now.

It’s understandable that I want to escape from all of this, somehow.

There’s not much I can do other than keep on remaining positive when I can and working through these insurance companies. If I consider it from a rational perspective, they probably don’t want that nerve that’s going down my left leg that’s been weakened to snap or sever. As much as they love their red tape, that would also be a liability for them to deal with, since then they would probably have to help pay for things, but I imagine, too, that if there will be some way that they can get out of things, they will fully use it.

I don’t feel particularly patriotic anymore.

I suppose other countries have their own problems, and I suppose that if I were in a free-healthcare country, then I might have other problems to deal with, but I’ve been dealing with enough hardships just with my spine alone. It’s been getting more difficult for me to do even basic tasks. I bathed for the first time in a few days, did some laundry, and had enough energy remaining to cook some food. I can fully empathize with the spoon theory now, yet add to that physicality the mentality of dealing with these companies that want my blood even more than I can give. I have the strength to persevere, or thought I did, but this past week I’ve reached my physical limit. I can’t handle the pain I’m in anymore. I can’t endure the stress of waiting up and worrying about whether moving even the slightest bit will hurt, if not waking up in pain. It’s becoming harder to stomach all these messages, but I prefer it to phone calls because at least I can publish them here.

It’s easier for me to write than talk now.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences.
Inspirations: Life sucks.
Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.
Picture: Template
Written On: 2020 July 28 [9:52pm to 10:16pm]
Last Edited: 2020 July 28 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]
My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.