[6:43 PM] “Maybe? I dunno. I’m feeling the effects of this gabpentin[sic] now.[1,]”
[6:45 PM] “So you’ve suddenly found your gab pent in.”
[6:46 PM] “Not sure I follow.”
[6:48 PM] “Your capacity for advanced speech has been curtailed.”
[6:51 PM] “Oh, uhh, my gift of gab has been pent in.”
I’ve taken Gabapentin for about a week. It’s been an interesting experience feeling numb like this again. It’s been helpful but not for the ways I would expect.
Gabapentin is telling me my addictions are still pent inside.
I’ve called that inner angry beast, Gaba, after Gabapentin because it’s revealed some fundamental aspects of my character to me. I have enough discipline to not take the mild painkiller that I would describe as a mild CBD substitute. I can still write and concentrate, mostly, but I get distracted easier and lost in thoughts longer. I can still navigate around the maze of my mind to get to what I was thinking, but the details are a little less precise.
I make more accidental typos, like the introductory “gabpentin.[sic]”
ENDLESS WAR is still comprehensible in its regular season , even if it was a challenge until I got some help from my friends. I’ll write a longer essay explaining the nuances to retire my season 2 character sheet, but it’s a good analogy because I was feeling lost with the new game mechanics until one of my season 2 buddies reached out, beginning with, “I’ve gotten a handle on some of the new mechanics.” It was nice to know that others were out there, because there is a very real and very dangerous negative cycle that is easy to get into when it comes to chronic pain.
Wake up in pain? The day’s motivation is dealing with that pain.
On the days where my back doesn’t ruin my motivation, it’s like I’m working on triple speed, and it’s not like I’ll break my back one day to work at triple speed. It’s completely random. I was fine last night. I literally could have slept slightly off-center.
It’s dangerous to say this but I don’t think the Gabapentin will fix this.
It’s been helpful to get the ball rolling, but what I suspect is happening is that my back has some or multiple areas in it that need precise recalibration. It can do this on its own but I just don’t have the energy for it. It’s like my mind knows that it’s hurting but it’s too seduced by the pain sensors to the point where poking my left side will cause my right glute will hurt. So it’s almost like I need a complete detachment from all this so my body can get itself sorted out.
I’ll be trying some Acetaminophen/Tylenol-Codeine tomorrow.
This was prescribed first, before the Gabapentin, and as it was described to me, the Gabapentin is like the long-term fix whereas the …Codeine will be the short-term fix. I’ve never taken Codeine before so it will be interesting. The weather looks like it should be nice tomorrow, so I should take it and go walk around as prescribed for even five minutes. If I feel like my back is getting itself sorted and I feel like I can take it, I can take a quick hike through the minor forest behind the apartment-mansion, otherwise, I can go for a quick walk and then go back to ride out the rest of my trip.
Actually, I could probably do some more research first…
At the same time, I’m not really doing much more than what I need to do to get things sorted. I was moving my hips and butt around just now and heard a minor pop. I just need like a thousand more of those and I think I should be back to right. If it weren’t for current events, a few float tank sessions could get me right, like it did last time. It’s weird. Every time I encounter what I assume to be a major, life-altering hurdle, like the headaches earlier this year, I encounter something worse. Or maybe that’s just my mind’s way of putting a convenient narrative on this whole experience of random events.
Either way, I’m looking forward to a week without pain.
Whether medicated or not, if we can just start off with a week, that would be a fine start, because then it can go to more than that. I’m just happy that even if this ranges from ineffective [if I’ve eaten a bunch] to a big dose [if I haven’t eaten much] that my mind hasn’t been fried too much. Sure, I can’t comprehend all that ENDLESS WAR has to offer, but it’s a patience thing. Gaba might want everything done now, but he could be happy enough if he gets a little nibble here and there.
Through this week of near-tripping, I’ve wondered, am I really addicted?
If I were, then I would want that Codeine now. I wouldn’t be happy with this mild vibe I’m feeling where music is a little more interesting than it normally is, where, well, I feel happier. I remember back to when I was writing a movie review so long ago that I could reference it but point is I pissed off the person I was writing it for because instead of writing a traditional movie review, I wrote something closer to what you’ve read from me over the years, except because I was high, it was a little wilder.
I remember being angry because I was insecure and lonely.
We’ll see how I do tomorrow. It’ll be interesting to challenge my perspectives and long-standing beliefs that I’m an addict because in my 20s I was. Am I still an addict now, or has that identity been a shield to protect me from overindulging in life? My representation of Gaba is a :[ face, opposite my :] face, so it’s difficult for me to say whether he will rage once released.
Will he even be released tomorrow? Stay tuned, dudes/dudettes/dudetceteras.
|Quotes: [1,2] Me  telling Collector  about my general condition.  Sol from ENDLESS WAR is one of our many great players. !dab !dab|
|Sources: My personal experiences.|
|Inspirations: I wrote about 15 days and 30 days into taking Propranolol. I can say that it is still nice to me. This isn’t all bad. I’ve found some things that work well for me, and overall, Gabapentin is like a mild high that’s just distracting enough.|
|Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.|
|Written On: 2020 May 18 [10:32pm to 11:14pm]|
|Last Edited: 2020 May 18 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|