[Tripping On…] What’s In Control?

Something that pisses me off is when people say “it is what it is” [IIWII] regarding things in life. It’s like giving up. If there are factors that are inside of your control, then change them. If those factors are outside your control, accept them. IIWII is not accepting the factors outside your control and giving up on factors inside your control. I can’t control door-slamming neighbors, for example, but I can reduce their reverberations.


I can’t pinpoint which neighbor was doing the door-slamming.

But it was excessive enough that the essay publishing tomorrow outlines enough frustration to where I knew I needed to do something about it. I had planned to do more today, but a nerve shot through my body in the wrong way about one hour before I was going to livestream – I was looking for the fan I would use to cool down, and where I was looking caused me to move at the wrong angle for my spine to accept, which was about a degree off from straight up and down. After that happens, the pain scales quickly shoot up unless I lay down for a few hours.

I woke up feeling better but still exhausted from that.

I was looking over my front door after the neighbors slammed their door particularly hard, causing some reverberations across the wall, and thought of putting a brick next to the far side of the door jam after thinking of how much of that was a substantial reverberation. I did and after a few hours, I noticed slight thuds compared to their normal, frequent anger-inducing, wall-shaking slams. I put the second brick down and haven’t even heard them where for the past month it felt like a near-hourly event.

Slamming their head in their door is not inside my control.

Sitting outside, waiting to find the specific neighbor, then yelling at them or slamming their head in their door is more inside my control, but it would take too much time and effort for me to do. Emailing the apartment management is more inside my control than both of these, but, ineffective since they wouldn’t care unless there was a specific neighbor to talk to about this situation. Doing what I can to fix my local environment is something inside my control, and, can be effective in reducing – if not eliminating – the effects of my neighbor’s ignorance and inconsideration on my time in this apartment.

This specific example can apply to so many other situations.

The only true way to help my spine, reduce my spine pain, and increase my ability to do anything whatsoever, is by not moving around. Many doctors ignorantly tell me to go move around and fail to consider how this increase in movement causes an increase in pain. They don’t understand and don’t care about treatment options, and when I tell them that moving around increases pain, they think back to their basic health textbooks written by people that have no idea what they’re talking about, scratch their heads, and ignore what I have to say.

So I’ve had to learn to deal with much of this myself.

Especially now that I’m no longer on my employer’s insurance, I don’t get the luxury of continuing healthcare treatment until I work through other insurance plans. That means the bogus advice of doing exercises and stretches that incapacitate me are even worse for me now, since I don’t get the luxury of asking doctors for advice now without paying significantly more than anyone really should for the overall lackluster advice I’ve been given. They should be paying me, as apologies, for not providing adequate treatment, but instead, they’ll be treated as heroes.

Instead, every day is a gamble about doing anything I want to do.

On days like today, insecurities creep in far sooner than on days where I feel well. It was my fault for trying to move around at all for what happened with my spine. I have no one to blame but all the doctors that gave me shit medical advice over the past year-plus of doctors’s visists. I really hate those doctors, more so than those neighbors, but I can’t do much by remaining angry like this at them.

What can I do?

I’ve applied for insurance, so while that’s going on, I suppose the best treatment option for me is to remain sedentary for as much of the day as possible. Some nerve somewhere in my body is pinching somewhat fiercely whenever I move at a pace outside of a crawl, so there is something wrong. I don’t know if months of near inactivity will help much at all, but everything these stupid doctors have given me have not helped, so what else can I do? Even the chiropractor, all credit given for helping to reduce some of the inflammation in my body, pushed too much on the exercises front which caused me to slow in my recovery.

My next step would probably be doing research.

Where to start? What to research? Today’s spine flare-up started at my tailbone and moved up along my sides, throughout my body. No doctor seems to understand that it’s possible for my tailbone to hurt, so maybe I will do the research that they don’t want to do, because they are too busy arrogantly displaying their degrees? I think also making sure not to move around as much will also help. Maybe by the time I can see another doctor again, I will have rested up enough that whatever nerve is pinching will have calmed down enough for me to restore some semblance of living. If the neighbors or doctors felt even for one second what I experience constantly, they wouldn’t be expending energy on such stupid bullshit as slamming their door or pretending to be patient-driven doctors. But I can’t control other people. The most I can control is myself, and right now, I’m in a bad mood over this stupid shit. At least I wrote it all down.

I think I’ll go to bed sooner than later.

Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences.
Inspirations: I forget sometimes that when I write, it reveals my inner thoughts. Here, I wasn’t feeling well, but writing all this out helped me feel better.
Related: Sober Living essays and Tripping On [The American Healthcare System] chapters.
Picture: Template
Written On: 2021 June 02 [9:56pm to 10:20pm]
Last Edited: 2021 June 02 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]


My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.