Everything’s the same but everything’s different. My routines are gone. Rather than trivially driving home from work on Sundays, stopping by my mailbox to pick up my mail and recycle my junk mail, and going about my day, now everything’s different. I’m working from home for the unforeseeable future. Everything looks the same, but with how current events are going, everything is different. Instead of driving, I walked, which was just the decompression I needed.
Even while watching a movie, it’s always there. The noise of self-doubt echoes louder than most lines in movies, the self-loathing permeates into every conversation, and what self-assurance is mucked by an overwhelming sense of artificiality. Neon colors can’t cover it. There are moments when I can get distracted from the past or future and focus on something nice, but otherwise, it’s a constant that I cannot escape from. Let’s explore that darkness at length.