There is a sort of negativity that I associate with certain things being left undone. Sometimes, I can help them. I can complete certain tasks. But other tasks, especially ones that I procrastinate on for too long, develop a sort of psychic damage against me, where, in my mind, I’ll always think about doing them. Better to get it done than not, right? Well, that’s sometimes possible. Instead, I try doing things when I can.
I’m not sure how long this essay will be today because I feel so exhausted and have felt so much so that I slept most of the day. I have a headache that indicates to me that I’ve been pushing myself too hard today, and much of that was just being awake. I should have gone back to bed to try to write. Why not write this essay as I can then go to bed?
As someone living with 8+ years of sobriety, it is in my best interest to learn more about sobriety. What we understand of sobriety is based on the writings of others that have experienced sobriety. I would even go so far as to say that sobriety is not a priority of doctors of medicine, so we addicts and alcoholics have to figure out these things, unless our addictions are medical emergencies. Everything else is our fault.
The platform that Zdiscord runs on recently implemented a new feature where channels could have sub-channels, basically, and at first, I thought that was going to be needlessly complicated. After some test runs, we’ve found uses for these threads. I, for example, have a channel in Zdiscord called #Health-ZP to document my health information. I have a thread for spine flare-ups inspired by, well, a flare-up that happened about 2 hours ago that reminded me: ouch!
This essay is an accidental prequel to tomorrow’s essay where I wrote about the processes of capturing my spine flare-ups. This one happened less than 5 minutes ago. I could feel my eyes widen and my concentration drop. My health hasn’t been great lately, but over the past few days, my health’s been even worse. I have my injection in a little over a week, so that’s nice to look forward to, but until then… sigh.
Despite how much logically and emotionally I know that my health is not my fault, I feel like shit. I feel like everything I do has failed and everything I have tried is not as good as it could be or not good at all. I recognize this all and I see them as subjective extensions of my disability. I can’t do much to fix my health but rot away and wait for good news.
Last week, I was asked by a security guard before my doctor’s appointment: “How many legs you got there” / “How many legs do you have?” I don’t remember the exact verbiage, but I can tell you that I was mad and it wasn’t funny. I filled out a survey and emailed the office manager. Today I received a response about this “recent unfortunate event.” I replied by saying that disabled people are often treated poorly.
I’ve been feeling terrible for the past few days. There’s the physical and mental stress of enduring constant pain, without relief. There’s worrying about whether medical relief will intervene to relieve the pain long enough to get into better health. There’s societal pressures regarding doing things to maintain sociability – not socializing, but being societal. There’s the constant, never-ending, feeling of wanting to do more than I can. There’s all that, but I’m feeling better now.
Compared to yesterday, I had zero spine flare-ups, but compared to a baseline average, I had plenty of physical opposition from my lower back, tailbone, and left leg for dominance of my consciousness. I had purposefully decided to take today off, but I half-figured, if my health were in a decent condition, I might try to do at least something. The most I could do is cook food for myself and mentally prepare for tomorrow.
I consider each time my spine pain gets really bad to be a spine flare-up. Months ago, one was enough to knock me out for the day. Today, I had three. Even writing this, my tailbone is flaring up, so if you wanted to count empirically, how many flare-ups did I have today? How many dozens or hundreds of times did my spine steal my focus, reduce my quality of life or physicality with pain?