Getting outside yourself can be a useful exercise in developing empathy and not feeling so alone. I know the days I’m feeling in the worst funks, or not feeling like doing much, where I’d rather stay home than meet new people, I think my natural inclination is to go in a hype mode, whereas, why not just go anyways? If you’re awkwardly standing around, that’s fine, because maybe you’ll find some others similarly feeling awkward?
Between the overactive heartbeat, anxiety, looming sense of fear over the unknown, fatigue, and all, as I write this I have been more susceptible than ever toward wanting to get numb. There’d be nothing more fantastic than just returning to some degree of normalcy, but that won’t happen for a while, so instead, I’ll ride these waves of insecurity through to safer shores. All I need to do is write something. Tomorrow will be better.
Day one, first hours, they indoctrinate you into loyalty with video propaganda to demoralize you and defang you. No unions. You must do this, you shall not do that, turn in any money you see, and check with your manager before you do anything, ever. It’s the same everywhere, really, it’s just not always videos. When you operate under that mentality of having people complain that you’re not working hard enough, half-off sales are great…
I don’t believe in the power of donating to companies to provide for my community. After throwing myriad items into the trash compactor, some better than what I own, and watching these kind-hearted gestures from you and me become destroyed for no other reason than because these items were old stock or didn’t sell, while I may still donate and buy from thrift stores, it’s with all altruistic façades removed. Sobriety is like that, too.
There’s this depressive sludge I’m crawling through right now, as a hoarder that is decluttering and packing up my collection, that eerily reminds me of other addictions. The biggest I learned as a furniture mover was that it’s easier to move other people’s stuff than your own because you don’t have an attachment to their stuff. Learning the decisiveness to keep or toss material possessions, while pretentiously first-world, does remind me of quitting other addictions.
Sometimes after seeing a show, it will be like all of the motivation and energy is sucked out of me, like I’m sick, but without physical ailments. Maybe it’s expectation versus reality? I get this feeling more often than not when achieving any goal. Once I’ve done it, then what? Find another mountain to climb, another obstacle to overcome, or another thing to see? Sometimes it’s like seeing through someone else’s camera is more exciting.
I spent about five minutes aligning the lens flare’s blue dot just right. I first motioned the camera so the dot would be inside of two of the branches, then, between the three branches of this tree on the tail-end of my lunch break. This was the only way I could think to calm myself down from the panic attack I had just plowed through, which, somehow I was able to describe while having it.
They say that once you jump world lines from the normal path, you’re more likely to fall into worse habits. I think it’s merely that once you’ve pushed it to the limit and seen how easy it was to survive, you’re less scared of that. Why should this worry me? I’ve survived much worse, dealt with stronger forces, and recovered my ship’s sails from more turbulent waters, so this is just another storm to pass.
The thing that brought me the most joy the day I wrote this was watching these neon lights change color. There was just something soothing about seeing something so simple, abstract, and unique that framed the rest of the day in this weird sort of context. I don’t act in ways that are best for “my career.” I act in ways that are best for my health, physical and mental, rather than any financial health.
Was it the child that coughed her throat out for most of the plane ride that made me feel sick today? The weather change? Not stuffing myself in good restaurants? I feel exhausted with the sort of head cold that would make a good excuse to not get out there and do anything at all, because after all, not feeling well is always a good excuse for not doing stuff, right? I don’t quite agree.