When I don’t have headaches, I feel like I have psychic powers, and might actually have them. When I do have headaches, everything just suffers. My thoughts get scrambled, my perception of reality distorts, my memory becomes unreliable or distant, and everything just becomes a wash. It frustrates me that I can’t figure out how to fix these headaches, because it seems to be an insignificant issue for my current healthcare providers, except for billing.
There’s an old networking joke that goes “it’s never a networking issue,” because “Yeah if we have to reboot the router to fix the problem, the issue isn’t with the network, it’s with the end device or the software lol.” In life, it’s all about what you call it, and whether it’s a networking issue, a sobriety issue, a headache issue, or anything, once you have the correct name for it, you can defeat it.
I once knew how it was like to feel healthy. I once knew how it was like to wake up and not be inflicted with invisible pains far beyond my comprehension. In those days, I took for granted this health of mine, and didn’t take care of myself as well as I could have. Now that when I wake up, I either feel terrible or worse, it’s hard to stay motivated to do anything productive.
Whenever I’ve felt at my worst, psychologically rather than physically, I’ve found that talking to others has usually helped out, even if what we talk about doesn’t directly imply any of those hidden hurdles I’m jumping through. We could be having a polite chat about 10,000 ninja fighting a backhoe, and the subtleties of the interaction could distract, inform, or guide whatever subconscious malaise is causing me to not feel well enough to be my best.
When I’m feeling the worst of my sobrieties being tested, either directly through temptations or indirectly through headaches of sensations unfathomable, what I’ve done most to overcome anything regrettable is focusing all of my energy into something – almost anything. Whether that’s writing, art, or talking to others, I’ve found that if I can focus on something for long enough, the worst of those internal waves trying to knock me down will fade for a while.
There’s a pain behind my right eye that won’t go away. It feels like pressure and prevents me from focusing. This is one of many invisible pains that don’t seem to go away, and just linger around long enough to appear gone, then return like a crash. Years ago, I never got headaches. I read an email from someone saying they needed to stay home because of a headache and ignorantly thought it wasn’t bad.
The worst thing about these headaches is that they kill any motivation for me to want to do better with my life. Headaches, for me, are like speed limit signs on the highways of life where the cops and narcs of life decided an arbitrary speed limit for living. Sometimes that’s good. We don’t want fools speeding. However, even when I’m doing nothing mentally or physically strenuous, I’ll be pulled over on that mental highway…
When I row, sometimes my mind will wander to anxious places, where I’ll be worried about things that I cannot do. Whether it’s checking my mail to see if an important letter has arrived, replying to an important email, doing something important, or unimportant, the moments when I am least able to do something is typically when my mind remembers that it should have done something – particularly, months ago. When these events happen, I ponder…
Dredging through headaches long enough, to where any errand distraction can debilitate, I wonder… how will my life be different after these headaches stop? If I currently feel like someone slammed an aluminum baseball bat against the back of my head yet I still sit down to write, how will things be when there’s no pressure, no subtle feeling implying potential aneurysms or strokes, and nothing standing between me and my goals? No more procrastination.
I woke up to a headache that felt like four parts of my brain were simultaneously trying to destroy each other. I reached out to my insurance’s third party company for “a second opinion” since the first ones were so useless. They urgently wanted my complete medical history for the past few days. This is the first time I’ve been able to reply to them. So I basically dumped my current headache state on them.