On my first day of being able to walk around any supermarket after surgery, I went to buy S&M2, and also soak in the excessive capitalism materialism. While passing through the apparel section, I impulsively bought a Nirvana shirt that I’ve probably spent years deciding to buy. I enjoyed wearing the shirt and love S&M2. While my days of randomly buying things are done, I think I’ve achieved a good balance between excess and satiation.
There have been moments throughout this process of spinal degradation where I’ve slept well enough or rested long enough to where I feel like I’m able to take on what I once could even four months ago. The need to fulfill an errand. The desire to clean up around the apartment-mansion. These thoughts are deceptive because while I might be able to get partway there, when my body invariably tears, I’ll be left aloft, unfair.
I just woke up from overwhelming spinal pain. How do I feel now? My body mostly feels numb, but I prefer this feeling over what forced me away from consciousness for a few hours. Being trapped here, in a sense, in this body that is so numb and yet with the occasional fury of pain, beats any furious outright pain. I expect pain after surgery, but it shouldn’t be anywhere as life-draining as this pain.