I was watching a video of some people roadtripping without any flourishes and I had to break my mental perception of how much effort it would take for me to do that same thing, were I there, considering the lo-fi production quality and its overall relatability. I need my cane to walk around my apartment. I need my crutches to walk around when I go out. I’m anticipating a restoration of my health’s lost past.
Yesterday, I planned to head up to the pharmacy today to take care of things, but my spine had other plans. I woke up after being asleep for about one hour to the worst spine pain I had ever experienced. Everything hurt. I was eventually able to get my spine to calm down, but waking up from that was the beginning of the next phase I had been worried about: I can’t imagine being physical.
I had my meeting with the two Functional Restoration doctors that were advertised as being the ones to help restore the function to my spine, and, I would say that their plan is probably about as good as it can be toward my long-term recovery. First, we have to fix the pain side of things – the tailbone specifically – and then we’ll try physical therapy again. It’s not fantastic, but it could have been much worse.
Most of the time, my tailbone is well-behaved enough, but if I walk too fast, my tailbone is like a dagger that stabs into my body to the point where I forget about anything else other than relieving the pain. Usually lying down in bed for hours will cause that pain to go away. I have to wait another week before I can meet with doctors to maybe help me diagnose what’s gone so wrong.
Will I ever be able to visit any park for terrarium-building or exploration again? This seems like a depressive question, and if the accidental call from a psychiatrist I received earlier today might imply, that seems rather concerning, doesn’t it? Fear not, it’s me asking pragmatically broad. I’ve been disabled since April 2020, and I’ve been unable to walk around much more than a few feet without a cane since my spine surgery in August 2020, so…
Tomorrow, I will do my first grocery store stroll in a month, to pick up some medication that might help me feel better, or at least, help me not feel so terrible all the time. That’s the theory, anyways. The last few times I’ve gone, I’ve used a shopping cart like a walker, and it’s been a pain. I haven’t gone out much lately, so it’s hard to say how it’ll go. Probably not great.
Despite being limited by my physical limitations, I still have plenty of ambitions. I’m still not confident whether I’ll ever row again – I will have met with a department that deals with long-term rehabilitation between writing this essay and its publication, so it’s possible things could change, but I’m still happy with the physicality I performed today. I did some cleaning, some reorganizing, and even tended to some physical errands that have been piling up.
Every March, I celebrate another year of sobriety. I was wondering: Is this like my New Years? Probably not. I’m not especially nostalgic like that, I don’t care much about materialism or achievements. Rewards or awards don’t inspire me to do much more than I would have otherwise done, so eight years isn’t like this videogame achievement I’ve unlocked to then brag about to others. If anything, it’s something I often forget about until Februarys.
I’ve been told by some people that they’re proud or even envious of my success livestreaming and bringing together people that enjoy my spoken-word content. When I livestream, I talk for hours in almost a podcast-style manner about my life, the lives of others, or things that I might be doing. That I’m achieving success here is certainly nice, except my health has overall been steady if not declining; not directly as a result, however.
I feel like my health is like a bag of ice that’s been left out to melt. It might hold out for a while, but despite its best efforts, it will melt unless something is done to help it. When I compare my health as I’m writing this, in late January, to months or years back, I wonder to myself – is my health also being left out to melt? Despite everything I do, I melt.