The nice thing about building out set-pieces that will appear in “The Story,” as I’ve mentioned in other essays, is that it’s helped me externalize the sort of internal thoughts that wrack my brain. When I’m feeling bad, as I was earlier today, I can jump into Minecraft and do something productive. As easy as it is to complain about life or to do things to escape reality, addressing reality forthrightly helps for me often.
Spoilers?: Minor [exploring my mind]
My mind works best in many compartments.
Similar to the fourth-wall-breaking place Zeal – where there are rooms for interviewing people, hanging out with various topics, more focused writing space, along with restrooms, a kitchen, and what else, I’m not sure – my mind works best when things are in their right place. When props from the restroom are found out and about, it’s a little weird. I think that’s what happens when aspects of my life are out of whack or when things get a little wild – the mental or physical space is disorderly and so it causes mild or major strife.
Today, I had to deal with more nightmares in the American Healthcare System.
So rather than accept my fate and roll over in bed, I decided to spend that negative superfluous energy in this map and build out more areas. I did a livestream broadcast probably in part because I wanted to share my experiences out in the world and maybe get another perspective. I did, and that turned out well, because by me talking and having someone – sinja – ask questions in the chat or in direct messages, I could get out of my head in a sense. When bad things happen, it’s easy to get too focused on ourselves and our thoughts, so by externalizing it, it’s the same as putting the idea down on paper or a digital screen, looking at it, and realizing how weak of an idea it might be, to then get rid of it.
After that, I started building more productive elements of the map.
I’m not sure how John and Trishna, exactly, would overcome difficult situations in their lives. I only know how I, myself, take care of situations like this. Even in moments like this, where my body is feeling destroyed by my spine, I look at the picture below and think of how I might build it out more. It’s a weird sort of idea that might not be growing as many limbs as it was a few weeks ago, so I might inherently be feeling negative about declining numbers and maybe decreased interest now that the novelty of watching me build and talk as I do has worn off, but, I’ve had more of an audience than I ever did writing.
Does this mean I’ll stop writing?
This was a 4-hour session and I’ll only write about 30 minutes today.
It’s unfortunate to say it in this way, but, I have to be honest with myself and find my routes to success in ways that don’t compromise myself or my ideals while also getting my name out there. If that’s through building this and other sets – I’ve been here, building this, mainly because it’s a nice sort of creative space with no limits on reality – then that’s fine. Although it’s easier than ever to write fiction in this modern age, it’s also harder than ever to get my name out there, so, if that means I jump into the fray of the platform I enjoy being a viewer of, then, yeah, I might as well become a broadcaster as well. So long as I do it on my own terms, and that’s by building things in my own style rather than emulating others.
Maybe I’ll never get anything out of writing or broadcasting.
I guess it’s better than not trying at all. When I think about “The Story,” as I do throughout the week, there are only flashes of thoughts that pop up. Trishna’s wheelchair with two slots for canes, and how she walks around when not in her wheelchair, are the frequent thoughts I’ve considered this week. Otherwise, thoughts related to “The Story” have been rather silent over the past few months, compared what I used to experience. My body is fatigued and broken, so it makes sense that even the most persistent thoughts will fade or lessen as life overwhelms those fantasies with the realities of physical oppression.
One line of questions we talked about was if versus when.
I feel that “if” my health were to improve, there is so much I would want to do, but the popular notion is “when” my health improves. This has been such a problem for me for so long that I don’t recall how it’s like to be in good health anymore. I could look back on previous events in my life, and essays from years back to see how things were like, sure, but my life has been fundamentally changed through my almost-year of being physically disabled due to my spine pains. If I do anything other than sit here in a certain position, my body hurts worse than any pain I’ve ever experienced, and those pains grow worse by the week.
It’s easy to get caught up in the negativity of all that.
On the one hand, maybe if I would have slept after hearing the news it might be nearly two months before I could see a doctor to help me fix my spine issues it was overwhelming and maybe that sleep would have helped the overwhelming sensations decrease, but I chose to press on ahead. I made progress on the map, talked about my problems, and came up with some ways to further compartmentalize certain thoughts away or bring them out to resolve them. It would be nicer to not have to deal with all of this. It’d be nicer to have had the health of mid-2019.
But here in early-2021, I have myriad valuable perspectives.
|Sources: The Story’s Imaginarium.|
|Inspirations: I had my health back then, but I didn’t have some of the inspirations I have now. I had my constant stream of ideas related to “The Story” then, but I didn’t have a place to put that stream of ideas like I do now.|
|Related: Essays building “The Story.”|
|Written On: 2021 January 11 [11:18pm to 11:48pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 January 11 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|