There are two main relationships in “The Story.” There’s the in-universe relationship between John and Trishna, and there’s my relationship to the world around me. In order to write fiction like I want to with “The Story,” I have to sacrifice many areas of my life – besides the ones that have already been sacrificed for me, like my health. Although it seems nicer to have more, it actually means having less time for writing fiction.
Spoilers?: Minor [lifestyle for writing]
Writing means dedicating time to write.
I have a more loose definition of writing than most, in that so long as most objectives I do serve either my writing goals or my lifestyle goals, then it counts as writing. I can do podcasts/livestreams only if I write about the experiences. If I don’t write about something and it doesn’t perpetuate my legal lifestyle, then it’s a waste of time. I feel like it’s OK to write it here, so I can explore the idea. I recently seduced myself into thinking I could get into a relationship with someone. This relationship felt like it had some legs and could be something, but, when I decided between the relationship and writing – I went with writing. We’re still friends and we’re still on good terms, but I feel that there’s a newfound tension there, because essentially my true relationship butted into this relationship, and the result made me feel sad.
I’d rather have my relationship to writing, first and foremost.
Even if people claim to understand my writing goals, there isn’t that true understanding and empathy. There’s always a minor or major degree of doubt, as anyone might feel, since it’s frankly insane to follow this goal. But I will say that following this path has led me into directions that feel more like me than I ever have before. When I’m writing, I don’t feel like I have to lie to myself like I might when I try to compromise with others. People can read my writing as it is, we can clarify things if there is room for debate, otherwise, that’s my purest form of expression and there’s no other feeling like it.
Do I feel like I want to have my cake [fiction writing] and eat it, too [have a relationship]?
I’m sure that it’s a possibility, but I’m well past the age of John and Trishna first becoming friends, learning to navigate that sort of awkward teenage year time that happens particularly with friends that might want to have a relationship, and then the whole relationship aspect as well. I don’t have any relationship experience, so, how would that actually go when I go to write their relationship? Would it be based on media representations of relationships? If the people I know and share their relationships are anything to prove, relationships are awful things that cannot be trusted at all. Everyone either complains to me about their current partners or exes, and I realize that, wow, I’m actually quite lucky as I am now.
I don’t need to sacrifice time or energy to build any relationships.
I do like friendships, but when they’ve exploded on me either because of me or them, after a period of acceptance, mourning, and moving on, I barely even think about it other than being grateful that the experience wasn’t deeper and more involved. What would happen if, instead of a few minutes of passioned debate and a few days of feeling a little bummed out, that passion was deeper, that debate was long, and that pain was longer? All I really want now is a place to write and feel comfortable. I don’t need much more than that. I don’t need to keep up with anyone, to feel comfortable engaging with polite society, or doing anything other than writing.
I don’t really know if anyone could truly join me on this path.
I can have many friends, but having a casual relationship doesn’t interest me. What would that involve? Pretend intimacy or some physicality? Why would I want to deal with that when I could be spending time building the architecture of my mind. It’s not that I don’t trust others, it’s more that this is my vision. Others may enjoy and appreciate my vision, but it’s mine to build. I can outsource elements that I can reliably send out to others to build and return to me, but I’m the one that should develop a majority of the process. This solitary lifestyle may be the opposite of what should happen for someone that might ostensibly be writing about the long-term relationship between two friends.
I don’t have a great answer to that existential question.
I trust my inner guiding light that will carry me along toward my goal. That force is so powerful that it’s guided me to where I am now. Sure, my life could be significantly better in some areas, but in other areas, it’s fairly nice. My physical health has been terrible, but it’s informed my understanding of the disabilities that John and Trishna live with, and if my disability can ever be “solved,” then I can focus some effort into living somewhere cheap, where I can get a decent-paying job, and, once everything like that is sorted out, I can focus more of my effort on writing. I feel like it’s going to be more of a long-term marathon that might take me 10+ years before I can write correctly, but each essay like this, each day that I choose to write anything versus procrastinate, is another step closer toward that goal.
A relationship will only happen if it works with my writing relationship.
Everything superfluous must be sacrificed to achieve the writing goal. I still need to do the legal stuff, like paying for rent and taxes, but between having a relationship with writing and having friendships or recreation, the writing must always come first.
If not, then I’ll have attempted but left John and Trishna’s relationship unwritten.
|Sources: The Story’s Imaginarium.|
|Inspirations: My personal experiences, which shouldn’t be directly influencing John and Trishna’s life, so, in effect, this isolationist lifestyle works out well for writing them accurately.|
|Related: Essays building “The Story.”|
|Written On: 2021 July 14 [8:45pm to 9:08pm]|
|Last Edited: 2021 July 14 [First draft; final draft for the Internet.]|