It’s morning and I’m so overwhelmed with work that even taking what little anti-anxiety medication I was prescribed years ago hasn’t helped. I might be more mentally distant from the anxiety, but it’s still there. Depending on how my-today goes regarding taking calls, I will either be ok or ok with looking for other work. If they massively critique pedantry, I will have to accept that this job isn’t for me and plan to leave.

Without my FND, I could tolerate more.

One might suggest that I endure for the sake of it, but if the endurance causes such a strife against my physical and mental health, I must shield myself and move on. Even after realizing some of my stress was from caring too much about the job, and detaching, there is still a considerable amount of stress. It’s like being verbally abused with information, all of which is mission critical to understand thoroughly the first time, and by the end, I fell so far behind the expectations that I would need a whole day to catch me up to everyone else.

That’s life.

My anxiety is still overwhelming me to the point where I can’t tell if I’m sick with worry or sick because I’ve been running in the red for weeks. I feel mentally, physically, and creatively drained. But my-today is the day. If it goes poorly, I won’t put any effort into figuring this work stuff out, and I’ll plan my leave silently. If it goes acceptably or I am not made to feel like a failure, then I will hold on longer, although I am still at my wit’s end.

I don’t feel like writing anymore right now.

I’m on my lunch break now and during our first four hours, I took three calls. The first one was by far the easiest, with the nicest caller, so that set the tone for my work here. As an interesting juxtaposition, I had a recruiter reach out this morning, between writing this paragraph and the sentence before it. That recruiter offered me a slick contract. The details all worked out so that is my plan B. I will still go with this as my plan A, but this is a nice option. I don’t want to lead the recruiter on, so I have to make my decision quickly, and there are some elements that I can’t predict, but at least it was nice knowing this job isn’t the only job in town.

I have through this weekend to decide.

I had to take one anti-anxiety medication, 1mg of Ativan, and one 5mg of Oxycodone my-yesterday after work because of the anxiety I was feeling. My back stiffened up after a bump in the road the bus took too fast, my-yesterday, sending me up then back down rather suddenly. It was also proactive against the stresses of my-today, but, it’s a yellow flag for how quickly I might reach for these tools. Did I need them? I believe so. My-Today has been much easier than my-yesterday, where someone’s joking went too far for my comfort.

I still have 20 minutes to burn on this lunch break…