[Downsizing Zeal] Objects I Hate

Any object I’ve really hated owning, I’ve already gotten rid of by now. The remaining few might be hiding in boxes, unintentionally waiting to reveal themselves to me. These are items that might remind me of negative events or people I don’t respect. The item can remain the same but when the relationship changes, that’s when we might be more apt to throw stuff out. Below, I’ll write about one such example, then mediate further.

There were some things from my gamedev days I threw away months ago.

I would say that, overall, I enjoyed my time as an indie game developer, even in the limited capacity I was in importing flavor text into Visual Studio and Unity by way of GitHub. I dropped out of that community for reasons explained elsewhere. I threw away the object representing the trophy of my achievements shortly after I parted ways with the team I was working with, and other than right now, I haven’t thought much about it anymore.

Watching Eizouken has reminded me of glimpses of those days.

Nearly one year ago now, we’d meet much the same as the characters in that show do to collaborate, so I suppose these bittersweet feelings might resurface given that amount of time. I hate having things like that around that remind me of events like that. When I look over my website, I will occasionally see fragments of honestly regretful actions on my part, so I cannot ever truly get away from all of the things I hate in this world.

Even the 0-star reviews represent objects I have once hated.

I count myself lucky, then, that I have nothing around me that I hate. Even this work-from-home laptop, which was something I reluctantly took and allowed to shape my home, was something I hated until I learned to turn it into something I cannot hate. I hated that I had to be worried about working a night shift job in an apartment complex. The consensus was that I was overreacting. With time, I have come to that realization as well. My anxieties had taken the better of me, leading to an unnecessarily anxious time. What turned that hatred around was reclaiming the space as my own, writing a letter to the apartment management complex explaining my situation, after paying my bills, and not hearing any complaints.

We can reclaim objects from hatred if we want to reclaim them.

Mostly, though, we should part ways with them. If they are heavily-customized to us, like trophies of achievements once cherished but then perverted through events, then I think it’s better to try to depersonalize them if we can – remove the photos, scratch off the names – and if they have value donate them so others could use them. If not, throw them away. If I saw that trophy daily for the past few months, I wouldn’t have felt good.

If you must keep something, hide it away.

I have one such object that I am not ready to unearth, because that will require having a difficult conversation with someone close to me, and it’s not that I’m not ready for that conversation, it just doesn’t need to happen right now. I don’t hate the object, rather, what it represents. With a sigh, I’ll say it here. It is the only example that represents a positive relationship between my parents. I never knew them to be on loving terms. By the time I was born, they were only not divorced in living arrangements. This object represents a time when they had once loved each other.

Such a thing requires deep thought before addressing.

It’s something that probably could even go without being unearthed at all. What represses memories will reveal themselves in harmful ways by bringing this object up once again? This is an object with awful consequences. Objects like these are contemptible and I hate them because they will usually only do harm. It has no intrinsic value for others and so if one or both parties don’t want it, it should be destroyed, not donated or attempted to be recovered, but that is not up to me to decide, so it sits, awaiting its day.

I hate that I have to carry that weight.

I would prefer to be done with it, but it should be done with respect, and I figure that’s the thing with objects we hate, right? Most we can throw out without a moment’s hesitation and will never regret. The remaining few, however, are the ones that represent those deeply repressed memories we have to bleed out before we can throw out. As we clear out the things we dislike, and as we keep the things we like and love, then we can eventually decide there is space and time for the things we hate. It takes all of our emotional strength, sometimes, but when we can be free of their physical and psychological weights, we can move freer throughout this world of ours.

This is the goal of Downsizing Zeal.

Zeal, for me, represents a place where you can work at the pace and volume you prefer. I type at my keyboards with a weight that should have destroyed them by now. I want to work whenever I want, for however long I want, and at the pace I want to work. I’ve written close to 5000 words by just after 4am now. This is not my ideal Zeal, but this is as close as I can be, even current events and my life’s circumstances. The objects I dislike and hate impede my growth to a better Zeal, so I should do what I can to work toward that goal. If that means losing out on a few hundred dollars, then so be it. I know for sure that I will not hate any of the essays or fiction I’ve written, because they are objects that represent true aspects of myself.

Try to clear out the hatred in your life.

Endtable:
Quotes: None.
Sources: My personal experiences.
Inspirations: Besides the “Objects I Like,” “Objects I Dislike,” and “Objects I Love” essays?
Related: Other Downsizing Zeal essays.
1 – Like
2 – Dislike
3 – Love
4 – Hate
Picture: Something simple.
Written On: 2020 April 12 [From 3:40am to 4:08am. Gdocs.]
Last Edited: 2020 April 22 [Adapted from Gdoc, so, second draft; final draft for the Internet.]

 

My big goal is writing. My most important goal is writing "The Story." All other goals should work toward that central goal. My proudest moment is the most recent time I overcame some fear, which should have been today. I'm a better zombie than I was yesterday. I'm not better than you and you're not better than me. Let's strive to be better every day.